I did NOT Want to get Married Before 30

I was in 6th grade when my mom sat me down and told me, "Parhai se pyar km kro, ghar k kaamon pe dean zyada do. Hamare khandaan ki larkiyan kaaljon meon nahi jati," which roughly translates to "Love your studies a little less and pay more attention to the chores. Girls in our family don't get to go to college".

It was true; none of my older female cousins went to college, at least not in person. Some got FA and BA degrees through distant-leaning programs, but they had to stay home. That's the way things worked in my family. One of my cousins who was extremely fond of her studies got told that she could not continue past 8th grade because there was no "girls only" high school in their village, and her dad disapproved of girls studying with boys or going to another village for school. So she stayed home after 8th grade. That's when she started having these "attacks" where she would go out of control physically and end up hurting herself, often severely biting her tongue. Coincidence? I don't know!

This stop to her education happened a few years before I was old enough to really understand and witness it. So when my mom told me, "Girls in our family don't get to go to colleges," and told me how my uncle didn't let my cousin study past 8th grade, I thought it was a story of "old times." We lived in a big city (the third largest in Pakistan), and my dad was progressive and open-minded, and I thought he could never do that to me.

And then I witnessed the marriage of another one of my cousins before even finishing high school. And then another. And then another. The latest one in 2018, of a girl about to finish high school. Yes, you read that correctly. She is raising two kids now. I could not stop it.

My Survival Strategy

You know how I escaped that myself? Thanks to the warning of my mom in 6th grade. A part of me found it absurd that my dad would ever put a stop to my education; he loved me so much, but another part of me believed my mom and started planning a survival strategy. How do I know that? I used to keep a journal, and the entries from my 6th grade onwards have my escape plan written there in its entirety. One of my journal entries roughly translates to:

"I will not love my studies less, I will love them more, I will pay more attention, I will become better, better than everybody else. I will become a board topper, and my name will be in the newspaper, and it will be difficult for my family to put a stop to my education, for people will be asking, where is the board-topper?"

For those of you who don't know, a board topper is someone who scores the highest marks in the board (district level) exams, held in 5th, 8th, 10th and 12th grade. I had decent marks in 5th grade, but I missed being the board topper by a few marks, so in 6th grade, I started dreaming about being a board topper in 8th grade. Around 2 million students participated in that exam for the Faisalabad board, and I scored the highest marks. So I became the board topper in 2005 for my 8th grade. My name and photo came in the newspaper. When my mom heard the news, she cried. Not the tears of joy, but the tears of fear. "What would happen to her when she wants to go to college, and her dad tells her she can't" must have been the fear in her mind. She didn't congratulate me when we got the news; instead, she cried and told me, "Your brothers should be studying like this, not you." I swallowed. From 6th grade till 8th, I witnessed enough to believe her, so 8th grade was when I decided I didn't want to quit education after high school, become a housewife, and start making babies. I wanted to work and make my own money, and make my own decisions in life, or have some sort of say about my own life.

The Dreaded Moment

My board top delayed the clash between my dad and me for two years. I got to go to college after some resistance and finish 12th grade. I was a board topper again in 12th grade, but this time, it wasn't enough to earn me a passage to go live in another city to study engineering. That's when I got told, "Girls in our family don't go live in hostels, or study with boys, or study the fields that will make them work with men later." I was presented with an option to continue studying whatever I want as long as I keep living with my parents, and my only choice of work will be teaching at a girls-only school or college. My dream of being an engineer was crushed, which took away whatever resistance was left in me. I gave up on life, decided to accept my fate, and told them to do whatever they wanted with my life.

Within 6 months, my physical and mental health deteriorated enough for everybody to notice.

I cried and begged for 3 days to get permission to attend a "High Achievers Development Program," a 4 days government program to honour the board toppers and instill a sense of leadership and spirit of volunteerism in them. My mother and grandmother cried and begged me not to go since girls in our family can't be away from home for 4 days unsupervised and in the company of men. My grandmother tried to bribe me with 500 Rupees if I didn't go. But I wanted to "feel" one last time like a "High Achiever" before fading away into dust, so I cried more than they did, and I begged more than they did to let me go.

The Come Back

The person in charge of the program asked me why I'm not at an engineering university despite being the board topper in "Pre-Engineering." I couldn't stop at "I didn't get permission from my family" and spilled my guts out. He made me promise not to lose hope, not to give up like that, and to keep trying and assured me of all the help from him and other government officials responsible for the high achievers program. Thanks to the four days at the high achievers development program, today I'm pursuing a Ph.D. in Electrical Engineering in Canada.

Marriage, Me?

One thing remained constant throughout my journey. I did not want to get married. At first, that was it. Period. I did not want to get married. No timelines, no conditions, no this type or that type of man. Because the only kinds of marriages I had witnessed were the ones where the girl quits whatever she is doing, education, work, anything, to get married, make babies, and then devote her life to cooking and cleaning. Over time I saw that other marriages also exist where a woman doesn't have to stop being a "person" when she gets married. That's how I reconsidered my views about getting married and instead set some priorities, rules, boundaries...

1. I won't get married until I'm financially stable enough to live on my own (25, 35, 45 is just a number).
2. I won't get married until I'm emotionally mature enough to recognize abuse. A lot of women don't know when they are financially, emotionally, and physically abused. That's how normal certain abusive behaviours are in my culture and society. My cousins are victims of abuse, yet some of them don't know it. Some even justify it. Not knowing when you've been exploited or being happy in a relationship where your rights are constantly violated doesn't make it right.
3. I won't get married if it means I have to quit being who I am, lose all my dreams and passions, quit my education/work and follow what suits the dreams and desires of my husband. Compromise works both ways.
4. I won't get married to someone who needs a maid, not a wife. Cooking and cleaning are essential life skills, not gender roles, and since both of us will be working, both of us will be happy to share household responsibilities.
5. I won't get married to someone who needs an unpaid caretaker for his parents and siblings. I value my privacy, and I won't tolerate interference of in-laws in matters where it's not their place to interfere. Also, I won't live in a joint family system. I just won't. I'm at a point in life where I won't live with my parents for an extended time. I need my space, my privacy, my peace of mind, and my alone time.
6. I don't want kids. Not anytime soon anyway. And I won't marry someone who thinks it is his right to impose his wishes upon me in the matter.
7. Most of all, I won't get married for social acceptance to a man who is not even a decent human being.

You're probably thinking, "Good luck finding such a man." If you're not, congratulations, you've made it to the list of decent human beings who still believe there's good in humanity, there's good in "men."

"You'll never find such a man" or "You'll never find a man with that attitude" is what I heard all my life as soon as I started blurting out any of the above. What people usually mean when they say this is, "You'll never find a typical ego-centric, misogynistic desi man who is willing to outgrow the toxic environment he was raised in." That's alright with me. I never said I wasn't okay with never finding a man. Did I mention I never wanted to get married in the first place?

To all the women who voice their wishes and concerns about their prospective partners and get told, "you'll never find such a man," it's okay! You'll be fine; you'll be happier on your own than with a man who doesn't share your values. I get that not everyone is comfortable with the prospect of living their life on their own; it's understandable; it's scary and uncomfortable. But it's better than being in an abusive relationship, an unwanted relationship, a relationship without love and respect.

To all the men reading this and thinking, "She hates all men, and she is generalizing things,"... who am I kidding, what man will read this far?

Acha sorry!

I see you, I respect you, and I value you. If you've read this far, you're not a man who believes women are inferior to men, you're not a misogynist, you're not someone who closes an article at the first sign of "I won't marry a man who..." because it's uncomfortable to read the rest of that sentence. Men like you do exist, I know, because I'm marrying one. Primarily, he will cook, I will clean, and we'll do some stuff together.

Girls, look for "green flags" in a man. For example, when you ask him if he will support your career and education, don't look for "I will always support you," look for things like "it is your decision to make," "its not my place to decide that for you, only you can decide," "do what's best for you." A man who routinely uses sentences like that knows and respects boundaries.

There can be toxic support too, where someone can force you to study and work in their bubble of "my wife works because she is empowered" while it is taking a toll on your mental health, and you really want to take a break. Being empowered isn't just "being a working woman," and support isn't just "I support my wife's work." Having the choice and making this decision for yourself is what empowerment is. What's important is to have a clear "I won't get married until..." list and prioritize it. Don't give in to social pressure.