My YouTube channel hit 1000 subscribers this month😃. As of right now, I have 1023 people who are interested in watching what I have to say (or too lazy to unsubscribe🤔). I want to thank you all for being a part of my journey and giving me such a huge dose of external validation. It means a lot to my self-perception, and I’d be lying if I say it doesn’t feel good. I revel in the glory.

YouTube prompted me to create #shorts to say thank you to all my subscribers for helping me reach so many people. And that’s when it hits me. What if they find out? 😨What if the moment I say I’ve hit 1k subscribers, they all find out I have no idea what I’m doing and leave? How long before they realize that I’m not qualified to guide them about anything?

So I still haven’t posted those thank you shorts. I’m still unsure if whatever I have to say deserves the attention of over a thousand people. Is watching me ramble about my life as an engineering graduate student worth the time?🙄

I also received an internship offer from Ericsson this week for summer. It’s a four months internship, with 30$ per hour salary, based on a 40 hour per week schedule💰. It’s a higher-paid internship than my job as a Lecturer at one of the most expensive engineering universities in my country. I know, not a fair comparison, different countries, different currencies. Ten years ago I wouldn’t have imagined reconsidering any kind of paid work opportunity🤑. Today, I didn’t sign the offer until the very last minute. Why the hesitation, you ask? Because what if I’m not good enough? I told you I forgot all my studies about a month ago in a blog post, so you understand my hesitation in accepting an offer from a big company. It’s the same reason I’ve never even applied for an internship or a job at Google, Microsoft, Apple, or Tesla. The last time I felt confident I was good enough for a place was back in 2011 when I only applied to NUST for my undergrad and I knew I was good enough to get into the program of my choice. Girl o girl, I miss that feeling!

Let’s go back further!

😲It’s 1997, my first year of school. I just got the first position in my class, I can’t believe it.
😮1998, school shut down, changed a bunch of schools, the first position again, still can’t believe it.
🤗1993 - 2002 Always first in my class, now I sorta believe it. My younger brothers are at school too and they’re hoarding first and second positions in their class alternatively every year too (they are twins, so same class). Everyone tells me “it’s in the family, your dad is a genius”.
🤨2002, I’ve just received my 5th-grade result, my teacher tells my parents I had the highest score in my “center”, and I hear words like “not in the Faisalabad Board, but in my specific center”. I tried to understand what’s a Faisalabad board.
🤞2003, I’ve joined a new school for 6th grade, within a few months somehow my school principal Madam Saima Tahir (one of the biggest inspirations in my life) tells me in front of the whole class “You have to work hard from now, we want you to get the first position in Faisalabad Board in 8th grade”, and I somehow believe I can do it.
👑2005 I do it. How many students appear in this exam? Faisalabad board says it is millions, but I don’t have an exact number for 2005’s 8th-grade exam. I’m the highest-scoring student in millions, I knew I could do it, and I had no feelings of “Did I really do that? Am I good enough” whatsoever.
😧2008 I narrowly miss the board top in 10th grade because the score in the “practical exam” is 50%, an exam never even conducted. Purely, a random allocation of numbers. I’m devastated because I know I did my very best and that I am good enough for a board top.
🥇2010 Punjab college allocates extra time with teachers, extra prep for me and a few other students to prepare us for a board top, and guess what? I did it.
😟2010 is the last time I ever felt like a “High Achiever” in my life. There are many reasons behind that. One of them is being a girl, not getting permission to study engineering. My soul is crushed, I give up on my dreams, I give up on life.
🍃2011 I somehow manage to convince everyone to let me study engineering and go live in a hostel in another city. I ace the university entrance exam despite being away from my studies for a year. But this is the last time in my life where I’ve felt I’m good enough.

Fast forward to 2022, I’ve received multiple research scholarships, awards, and recognitions. My professor asked me last week to submit my recently published paper for an award, and there it is again😯. What if they found out I have no idea what I’m talking about in this paper?

❓Am I suffering from imposter syndrome? Are you?

How do you deal with it?

❤My Favourite Things

🎬YouTube Video:

One of the most inspiring videos I have seen recently is Peter McKinnon’s THE BUCKET SHOT. It’s a 23 minutes video where he tells how he booked plane tickets on a few hours' notice to go take a picture of a lake in Canada.

📕Book:

I still haven’t finished reading “Show Your Work” - Austin Kleon, so no update on book's front.

📝Quote:

“‘The cat sat on a mat’ is not a story. ‘The cat sat on the dog’s mat’ is a story.” —John le Carré” Excerpt From Show Your Work! Austin Kleon

🔍I’m Learning:

I just bought myself a Camera and I microphone to make better YouTube videos, so I’m learning about how to use them. The camera is Sony A7C and the mic is Rode videomic pro plus.

I see that you’ve made it to the end. If you liked this blog post, check out the other stuff I talk about on my YouTube Channel. Don’t forget to subscribe!😉